I’ve been trying to write this post for a long time now, since November actually. It seems that when I go out and do just about anything I’m totally in a fog to what’s going on around me. When I’m out with the guys, Erin, or just by myself. I’m totally just in my own world. Sure I particpate and interact with the world around me but at times I feel like everything is just passing me by for some reason. For example, Wednesday night I had some time to kill and I needed to eat dinner so I headed to my favorite grease pit for some chicken and noodles and some time with a good book.
I arrived, ordered some food and almost instantly the piping hot noodles and potatoes were there, I love that place for that very reason. Good cheap food, fast. After I finished my meal I started to read and enjoy a cup of coffee, black coffee, nothing foo foo about it. As I was reading I found myself totally engrossed in the story and the characters of the book. I looked at my watch after a while, still had an hour to kill, back to the book. The next thing I knew it was 10 minutes past time to leave and I had not realized that anything had happened around me. As I looked up from the book I noticed that the scene of the restaurant had changed entirely, when I had arrived the place was full of old people enjoying a quiet meal, maybe 8 other people there total. After reading though, there were at least 40 people there, the place was packed with more old people, a few families and even some single people just looking for a hot meal on a cold night. When did the scene suddenly change, where was I?
I get this feeling nearly everyday it seems. I just space out from the rest of the world most of the time and spend my days in a fog of my own thoughts. I think of the great mysteries of life, you know, the obvious ones like Who are we? Where are we going? What is Spam really made of? I just think about everything all the time. I feel like sometimes I’m missing the most important things…Those that are right in front of me.
It seems that lately everything is going to fast for me. Almost like its spiraling out of control. I have no idea what’s going on anywhere almost. The holidays are quickly approaching, finals are nearly over. Everything is just in high gear and I’m not ready for it. I don’t ever want to be ready for it. Simpler times where have you gone. Fun and free, remember that time?
I’m camped out in the library now, studying, listening to some music, I’ll probably even do a bit of recreational reading later too, good times. Away from the hustle and bustle that is alive and kicking right outside the window.
I just want things to slow down a bit, so that we can all enjoy the times that we have, it seems that all we do now is rush to the next thing… I don’t want to do that anymore.
Sitting here, reading, the music became a white noise, unintelligable from anything else going on. The beats enveloped me as I left this world and fell into the book.
I read last night, that’s it just read. Actually I frantically searched for a hat and gloves, but after that and some food, I read. I’m reading Life of Pi by Yann Martel, so far so good. I put the TV on one of those music channels, Soft Classical actually, and tuned into my book. I finally got tired and went to sleep. It was honestly the best night I’ve had in a week or so.
Here’s a quick one, hot off the iRiver, it’s short, not that great, but here it is:
It’s starting again. I’ve been up most of the night every night this week. Not because I’m not tired or because I’m studying, but because I just can’t sleep.
I wish I could understand what’s wrong with me and how I can get past it. I have sleeping pills, I’m scared to death to take them, I don’t want to get addicted and I don’t want to spend an entire day sleeping. I just want to rest. I feel stressed a lot lately, not about anything in particular, just stressed about being busy and staying busy. I feel like sleep is a waste of time, 8 hours of nothing, there are so many things to watch on TV, or read or learn or or or or… You get the idea, I’m an information junkie and I like to stay busy.
Idle hands are not something I can tolerate, that just stresses me more. I’m not happy unless I’m reading something while typing something else, while on the phone with the TV on, all while driving somewhere to meet people to hang out. I don’t understand how to relax for long periods of time and hate when people do it and it ruins things I wanted to do.
I need to find a way to sleep. I know that what I’m doing to my body isn’t the best for it, I don’t know how to stop though. I just want 8 hours and to be left alone in the dark, when I don’t have anything better to do.
OK say Day 2 of IUK is done.
I went to work this morning after totally struggling to get out of bed for some reason. Work was work, so much so that I left early.
Got to school way early, went to eat at Sonic. Got back, talked to “the girls” for a while. Got all that caught up. I’m up to date on SoB gossip now I guess.
Finally went to class. Boring, who the freak takes 70 minutes to go over the syllabus?! I’ve had this prof before though, so I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised.
After class I headed home and sat for a bit just to relax.
Now I’m sitting here trying to study for tomorrow. I’ve got about 150 pages to read. I realize that there’s no way that we’re going to cover all of that tomorrow in 2 classes, but I don’t know either of these profs very well yet and since I got grilled in one class already and the other class only has 11 in it, I’m sure that I need to be at least some what prepared. I’ve got about 50 pages of Poli and prolly 30 pages of Mktg left. Oh joy. Better get back to it, TV makes it really hard to pay attention to the book too.
I am so frustrated with everyone right now… I could just scream. This weekend started out well enough with the gang going out to see Butterfly Effect. An absolutely amazing movie. I was in awe the entire time. It’s one of those movies that just grabs you and pulls you in more and more as it goes on. Definitely something to see if you have the chance. After seeing everyone was extremely hyper still at midnight we all decided to go to Steak n Shake. Good times. All in all it was a good night. Some covert drama in the behind-the-scenes part of everything but it’s all good. Saturday is probably when everything started to fall apart, to put it simply and vaguely. I said some things that I shouldn’t have and someone else took it and blew it way out of proportion causing me to lose something I’ve had for 7 years. I had no chance to make it right and now that I know what I do, I’m almost glad it happened. It’s funny how when the cards are really down, people’s true opinions really come out about you. I should have learned along time ago what was going on and go out of things. But as usual I learn the hard way and this is one of those things I’ll have to chalk up to experience. Maybe after the year has passed things will be better. We’ll just have to see how this week is going to go down first. Another interesting thing happened on Saturday too. Someone who would have normally gone out with us didn’t’ on the grounds that certain members of out circle of friends weren’t’ going. Now normally people wont’ show up because of other people being there but this time they wouldn’t go because some people weren’t going to be there. Whatever I guess some people are only your friends when it’s convenient for them. Others just drink themselves into oblivion and try to pass it off as nothing serious and all that other crap. I’m seriously so sick of people today. Anyways moving on with last night, we sat at BWs for like 4 hours and just talked. Nothing important or exciting happened at all. After I got home and crashed around 1 cause I was dead tired I woke up this morning to utter hell breaking lose. Some of it is personal and shouldn’t be put in such a public forum as this, since I know many more people read this than I know. Other stuff is just unbelievable and since I’ve vented about it already in this post I shall leave it alone. Today also was the day that I was going to study since I’ve slacked for about the last week on my HW. Well so far I’ve written a one page case brief and started a 3 page pager… I still have a ton of reading to do, but I’m just not in the mood after everything that’s happened over the past few days. I have to study though, there’s no way out of it. I haven’t’ even showered today… Of course I haven’t’ left the house, but still… I feel that I should maybe shower before bed or something tonight…hmmm… Its also blizzarding tonight… so far we have 2 inches in 2 hours… that’s freakin nuts… tomorrow should be a good drive to work… Also to everyone out there that has a blog… post something now and then… some of you haven’t posted in 2 weeks and I know you have stuff to say. We talked about what you should say. Anyway it’s freakin time to get this stupid paper done…