A Paradox

It’s amazing to me that every time I carefully set down to write something, anything really, I totally lose all interest in it. I have nothing left to say. I used to say everything and anything. Times have changed. I wrote nearly a quarter of a million words in just a few years by writing my thoughts on life each evening.

Now, I can’t even manage a few words a day about anything at all.

I don’t like the world around me any more. My life personally is going just fine, I’m OK. The world however, is just atrocious, I can’t stand just about anything on the news, conversation has all but left me.

Communication is dead.

Communication is key.

Sometimes just typing out as I think leads me to places I never thought to go. I buy books for writing, my chosen medium is pixels. I live to write with pens I’m scared to lose. The systematic way never worked for me, planning, charting, editing, testing, I’d always rather just let it out there, there’s not much to just put out there though anymore.

I catch my internal narration taking me places I once went, I usually stop before I get there.

I can’t help but wonder if life has gotten that much more complicated or I’ve just let my guard down, become discouraged and let myself become too wrapped up in things that I just didn’t notice before. I lean towards the latter.

I’m consumed by media I despise. That ends now, useless drivel is getting thrown out. I’ve got to get back in the groove, even if the groove has changed so much I’m not sure I recognize it anymore.

Music used to be the road that could take me anywhere. It used to make the worst day seem OK and the best day become memories that will live in my mind forever. This spoken word has devolved into noise to occupy my mind instead of focusing on the silence around me.

I feel my mind going from a fit and keen to wasting and indifferent to nearly everything. I’m consumed by thoughts of non-importance.
I think I just might not have anything to say…

Looking back

I was reading this the other day. As I read here, many people are taking a look back and reevaluating. I guess it’s just that time of year or time in our lives anyways.
I no longer obsess about pens, I just like to have one in my pocket most of the time. I do however always carry my Moleskine in my back pocket, in case the mood strikes me to write something down, hence the pen in the pocket. I just don’t care so much about which pen now anymore.
Shoes are just driving me nuts lately, I don’t care, I wear one pair of boots to work, another pair of tenny’s to everything else. Comfort is key and I can’t find anything more comfortable than what I have. Perhaps I’ve reached shoe nirvana at such a young age that I can escape the Rockport phase of my later years.
Socks? Are you kidding, I still want to change them all the time.
Traditions are always changing, yet somehow they remain traditions. I can’t get past some things that I’ve always done, sir, ma’am, t-shirts, meals, all the same basically. I’ve added rituals like cleaning, meeting for coffee and other things but all in all I still feel a little more traditional than some others around me.
The phone thing has changed a bit, my rule: If you call and don’t leave a voice mail, it wasn’t important enough to at least say “Call me back,” I’m not calling you back and I’ll assume you just misdialed. Assume the same for me, no message, no callback.
I’m early for everything most of the time, I think.
Organization has changed a bit since I moved out on my own. I have things where I want them, I just don’t think I have enough room for everything now. Time to get rid of stuff soon I think.
I’m still a geek. iPhone, 2 laptops, a desktop, 3 iPods, a GPS in my car, I’m a gadget freak and I’m ok with that.
All in all I look back and where I’ve been and where I’m going and I have to say that I feel pretty optimistic about things. Sure I’ve missed a few opportunities, I’ve missed chances to do wonderful and great things. But in the end, I like where I am, where I’ve been and what the future ahead looks like.
New habits that I’ve noticed are:
Coffee pot must be set before bed.
Clothes must be laid out in bathroom before bed.
Two different pillows on my bed, one hard, one soft. Most nights I sleep on the soft one, I use the hard one for support and for hot nights when I want to be on top of the pillow not thoroughly wrapped in it.
I’m sure there are tons more and I’m going to try to post more of them as they come along. I’ve posted too much this time as it is.
Are you looking back and reminiscing or just blasting forward without regard for what you’ve done before? I urge you to take a look back now and then. Adjust your course from time to time. But in the end, be happy where you are going.

An the award goes to…

Me, Saturday night at Target, I bought the most random things you could possibly buy:

  • Jet-Dry Dishwasher cleaner – it needed it and now it’s all sparkley inside.
  • New shower curtain – hard water is horrible on these things, I can never seem to keep mine clean. The no mildew claim has me hoping that it’ll be a better one.
  • Perfect Strangers Seasons 1 & 2 – Larry and Balki, I thought I’d reminisce about those days again, turns out the TV you loved when you were 6 is not the same TV you like now. I’m giving this one away, I couldn’t make it through the first disc.
  • Marble thing to put junk on – Put it on my stone coffee table to hold the random stuff that accumulates there, pens, twist ties, paper clips, etc.

photo1.jpgSo it was quite an adventure in Target on Saturday, that’s what I got, I have no idea how you could go into a store and get more random things.

I wish to thank several people, Erin for taking this pic and slightly encouraging the Perfect Strangers purchase, the good people at Target for putting the marble thing 75% off, Jet-Dry and Reckitt Benckiser Inc. for making such an easy way to clean my diswasher, Mildew for making a new shower curtain purchase a habit, (cue swelling orchestral interlude) and last Balki Bartokomous for being a fading memory that will live on no matter how bad the DVDs are now.