A Paradox

It’s amazing to me that every time I carefully set down to write something, anything really, I totally lose all interest in it. I have nothing left to say. I used to say everything and anything. Times have changed. I wrote nearly a quarter of a million words in just a few years by writing my thoughts on life each evening.

Now, I can’t even manage a few words a day about anything at all.

I don’t like the world around me any more. My life personally is going just fine, I’m OK. The world however, is just atrocious, I can’t stand just about anything on the news, conversation has all but left me.

Communication is dead.

Communication is key.

Sometimes just typing out as I think leads me to places I never thought to go. I buy books for writing, my chosen medium is pixels. I live to write with pens I’m scared to lose. The systematic way never worked for me, planning, charting, editing, testing, I’d always rather just let it out there, there’s not much to just put out there though anymore.

I catch my internal narration taking me places I once went, I usually stop before I get there.

I can’t help but wonder if life has gotten that much more complicated or I’ve just let my guard down, become discouraged and let myself become too wrapped up in things that I just didn’t notice before. I lean towards the latter.

I’m consumed by media I despise. That ends now, useless drivel is getting thrown out. I’ve got to get back in the groove, even if the groove has changed so much I’m not sure I recognize it anymore.

Music used to be the road that could take me anywhere. It used to make the worst day seem OK and the best day become memories that will live in my mind forever. This spoken word has devolved into noise to occupy my mind instead of focusing on the silence around me.

I feel my mind going from a fit and keen to wasting and indifferent to nearly everything. I’m consumed by thoughts of non-importance.
I think I just might not have anything to say…

Looking back…

The other night, during one of our storied visits to McAllisters, Kyle and I started reading some old posts from here. Mostly ones that were from this time last year, the year before and even three years ago. We had several inches of snow on November 23, 2005, I totally forgot.

It was a bit strange honestly, looking back at years gone by, and even though it seemed like forever, three years isn’t that far back. I wonder what posts would like if I had blogged in high school. What was I thinking in November 1996? Surely there would have been something about freshman year, the girls I was dating, band practice, new friends and the excitement of the friends who had a car and could take me places! I wish that I had started blogging, or at least journaling much earlier in my life. In my younger years there was usually a notebook, a sketch pad or just a scrap of paper that I would often write things on, I wonder whatever happened to all of those? I know where some of my “note books” are, essentially composition books that I passed back and forth with girls I dated instead of tearing out paper from our notebooks. I have 2 or 3 around somewhere. Maybe I should delve into those sometime to reminisce. But I’m not sure there are any surviving “journals,” places where I wrote the kinds of things that I write here. Pieces of paper with short quips, quotes and long, drawn out prose on my life and my thoughts. The memories I have of that time are incomplete, not because I can’t remember every detail (which I can’t) but also because I’m sure there are days gone by, and thoughts that passed to quickly that I didn’t document in some way. How sad, my past is but a memory because I didn’t take the time to record it.

Looking at those posts from a few years ago I realize that life has changed and has changed me. Mostly I think it’s been for the best, but at times there I things that I miss about the past, things that I wish didn’t happen or things that shouldn’t have happened. I like where things have ended up though. I’m happy with life and where it’s taking me in the future overall.

I am grateful for the future that I have and still, at times, I mourn for the past that is no more.

I can feel it comin’…

All around me I can feel it. My forehead is clammy, my throat is vaguely sore, my sinus cavity feels like its going to explode. I haven’t slept well for the past two nights. I’m getting sick.

Erin spent most of last week in a daze from this thing, a crazy sinus infection/cold from hell from which there is no reprieve. I can’t wait.

Overall life has been nothing short of stressful, there’s not a whole lot I particularly want to talk about right here right now. I’m sure none of it has helped my health situation though.

I had grand ideas of a post tonight, I don’t think I’m into it right now.

A short but HUGE update.

I feel I should update you all on what’s been going in life in the past month or so. Here’s the short list:

  1. Bought a car, new to me but used in reality.
  2. Erin bought a house in Tipton about a mile away from me.

There a huge details to go into both of these but I thought that I should at least note the events here.

On the car front, I basically had no choice but to buy a new one, I was having doubts about the car making it anywhere day to day. With over 140,000 miles on it and a huge dent in the front fender it wasn’t a pretty car but even so, now and then it would die for no good reason when backing up and there were so many caution and warning lights on the dash that it looked like a Christmas tree.
I knew that the new car was coming but one day I was fed up enough and found something that I did kind of like that seemed to be a reasonable price. I did some wheeling and dealing and got what I think was a good deal. Not great, I would have rather had a bit lower payment but I’m OK with what I got. A 2003 Dodge Durango, dark gray with running boards, bigger tires and alloy wheels. Its perfect for me, I’ve always had small cars, Cavaliers, Sunfires, etc. and now for me to have a truck is absolutely great. I love the size of it, the feel of driving down the road and not feeling like I’m sitting exactly on the road. I love to drive it.

The other big news and probably bigger news is that Erin bought a house in Tipton. A two bedroom, one and a half bath room house in the older neighborhood of Tipton. Older neighborhood is a good thing, I mean the neighborhoods that have been around a while, large houses and well groomed yards. She’s currently working on fixing it up the way she likes it. There are hardwood floors to be finished, walls to be re-plastered and painted, everything to be checked and rechecked. It’s a big job but she’s handling it remarkably well, all the stress of buying a house and remodeling it can’t be easy to deal with and she’s surviving just fine.

So my life has had some big things happen in the last month or so. I’ve neglected to tell you all for no other reason than I just haven’t felt like blogging much. Not because I don’t want to share, but more because I just have been lazy about sitting down and typing it all out.

There’s more excitement to come in the next few months of summer, plenty of baseball games to attend and who knows what else. Stay tuned loyal readers, there are still some of you out there right?

8 years!

On November 30, 1999 I made the first blog post of my life. In the last 8 years I’ve posted 1,554 posts with over 200,000 words.

In all those years much has changed. New friends, new loves and hates, new jobs. So much in what has been essentially 1/3rd of my life.  It’s really kind of amazing when you think about it, for nearly 1 out of every 3 years that I’ve been alive, I’ve been keeping track of triumphs and tribulation averaging one post every 2 days.

Over the years I’ve been met by people who think that blogging is worthless or useless. I beg to differ, it’s my outlet, my escape, my place to be me and sometimes its just there to mark occasion. As I’ve said before, it’s my space, way be there was that horrendous thing known as MySpace.

I hope you’ve all enjoyed the insight into my mind and my life. There have been some hard posts to write, some that I wish I would have taken more time with and some that I still question their value. If you don’t blog, or don’t blog enough I would encourage you to post now and then, make it a habit, say something, anything is better than nothing. In a few years you can look back at what you thought was important and realize that life is in control of you much more than you are controlling it.

Making decisions

My job is about making decisions. I get up and go to work everyday to make decisions. I make the place work well.
I live to make decisions. My entire life I’ve been the one to make the tough decisions about just about everything in my life. From the time I was a small child, the times I struggled with relationships, the times I struggled with where my life was taking me and which path to take. I usually do not have problems making tough decisions. I seem to have a knack for finding the best route through the murkiness that is life.
As I look forward into my life, the days, months, and years ahead, I see some very tough decisions coming. Not just in my life, but in the lives of others around me. I can only hope that I will have the strength and wisdom to make those decisions with the same faith and vigilance that I have in the past.
The storms are rolling in tonight, both in the skies and here on solid ground.

Somber Day

american_flag.jpgI got to town as usual this morning, actually a little earlier than usual I had to pick up the paperwork for SB and do a little work with my insurance guy. I gotcaught in the funeral procession of Sgt. Jones. Hundreds of people were lining the streets, ABATE and several other bikers were there. Everyone was carrying an American flag, it was truly a great day to be an American. One of our own fallen soldiers being praised and saluted by the city he grew up in. Even as the procession wound down and the regular hustle of traffice commenced again, everyone seemed to drive a bit slower and more gentle. Normally this doesn’t happen though. The reason, today, for the showing of unity was the fact that a “church” group from Kansas had came to town to protest this funeral as a stand against gay rights. Fortunately they did not show themselves.

I’m political, I have an opinion on the war, I have an opinion about our foreign policy, I’m sure most of you can guess how I feel. What I will never do and can’t understand is disrespecting a soldier. These men and women are sacrificing everything so that we can live as free as we do. Someone’s son was bured today. I’m sure that his fiance cried as the soft echo of taps was being played in the cold rain just as the piercing sound of shots ringing out made her jump 3 times in succession. His father probably wept quitely while comforting his wife, a soldier’s mother.
No one has the right to take that from them. No group has the right to use a son or a daughter who gave their life in a foreign land to further any cause.

Kokomo is a little more somber today. The flags are still at half-staff. I can’t help but wonder if tomorrow, when Old Glory is flying high again, anyone will remember Sgt. Rickey Jonesand life he gave so that we may be free.