I think we all are a bit. Mr. Beall’s viewing was tonight in Converse, I went alone. I had butterflies the whole way there, I don’t know if I was nervous or scared. I walked in the church…man it was eerie, quiet, I saw a few friends from years ago. Pleasantries were exchanged and we all went about our duty. Said our goodbyes and moved on. Except me, I couldn’t do it. I walked in teh sanctuary and just sat. I couldn’t move. I was totally locked into my seat. There was the casket, there was the family. What should I say? What should I do? I just don’t know what the proper thing to say or do, but also I didn’t want to do it anyways. I remember the alive Mr. Beall, I don’t want to remember tonight.
It was raining hard tonight, rain is the tears of God and the angels, they must be sad about him too.
I’m so uncomfortable with death, I don’t cry, I don’t really do much of anything really. I know that death is inevitable, I know that my family won’t be here forever, I just don’t know how I’ll deal with it when it comes. I’m honestly scared of it all, not my mortality, theirs.
I did something I haven’t done in a while last weekend. I went to church. I know I know, I’m a horrible person for not going, life has been busy, again, I know not an excuse. I just totally felt disconnected from everything the pastor was saying. It was like it had no meaning to me.
The thign was while we were sitting there I caught myself thinking, I was totally not into it. I don’t know why, maybe it’s the church, maybe I just can’t open my mind to God right now. I know that I shouldn’t ever block Him out, I do try to pray everyday, but something about being in church just didn’t feel right for some reason. We need to head to a new church soon, perhaps that will help things.
I really must say that things all in all are pretty dang good. I’m flat broke, I’m about two shakes from leaving my job and finding something else, and school starts in about a month. Life is going well, really it is. I’m stressed, but not so much now, things are just floating along again, and thatâ€™s how I think I like them.
I spoke to Matt today, good things. Heh. He’s doing well and should be home for his R&R in about 7 weeks. I’m excited to see him and catch up on some “garage time”. He’s been talking to Ali a lot lately, so I think that’s keeping him sane. It’s good.
Erin and I had a great weekend really, for having a bad day, it went pretty well really. Friday we just chilled out, made a Papa Murphy’s pizza and just watched movies. Good things. Papa Murphy’s has great pizza, if there is one near you be sure to check it out. On Saturday we started out going to the Butterfly Gardens in Indy at the Zoo. That didn’t happen, it looked like rain and I just don’t think that either one of us were really in the mood. We went to Broad Ripple and then over to the Fashion Mall, good things. The only thing I bought was a new shirt for church that night, since I had something on mine from lunch/breakfast/the day before. We got back to her house and crashed for a bit, then off to church. I’m kind of starting to like her church, but the sheer size of it is still a bit intimidating for me really. I’ll get used to it.
After that we headed to Street Dance. Quite possibly the coolest thing I’ve seen done in a smallish city in a long time. Kokomo has Ribfest, but I think this is better. We had fun, did a little dancing, ate a ton of food. Good things.
Yesterday was the first day of my boss being gone for 3-4 months at a contract site, this means that basically everything falls on me now. I’m the main point of contact for just about everything, it’s cool I guess to have the responsibility but I donâ€™t’ know if I really want to have the stress and whatnot. We’ll see how it goes.
Tonight it’s off to the circus in Peru… Jake has a gig on the courthouse steps; Erin and I are heading up to see him and just chill for a bit… I gotta get back in my workout routine…
Anyways, time for lunch… catch you all later
It’s amazing how sometimes you wake up and go about your day just as you normally would and don’t give a second thought to the way things are changing around you. You merely change with them and move on. Last night I had the opportunity to see two totally different sides of myself in just a few hours. I started out by going out with an old friend, we go back at least 6 years, which may not sound like a lot to some, but it’s like my second oldest friend I guess. Anyways though we went out and really just got to know each other again, but there’s the cool thing about it, we didn’t really have to get to know each other again, we just clicked, even after not seeing each other for the past 4 or 5 months it just worked. She brought a friend that surprisingly I knew from a few years back with another friend and of course we got along ok too. We went to her church to go to a youth night thing, very cool, just playing games and meeting new people, something I haven’t’ done for a long time. Then around midnight I made the trek out to see my other friends, my current friends if you will, my SB buds… They were just watching a movie or whatever, but it’s weird cause about 15 minutes after I got there I realized that my mood had totally changed, instead of being in that reflective, almost passive mood, I was in the “I want to be the center of attention” or at least the “look at me!” stage. I don’t’ think that either thing was particularly bad per se, but I just found it odd that I changed so much just going from friend to friend. I should point out that both sets of friends are very different in almost every way so maybe I shouldn’t see it as such a big deal. Who knows, I just totally lost my train of thought here… so on to other things.
The job hunt isn’t’ going so well, most everyone is not hiring or they have jobs that either I don’t’ know how to do or wouldn’t do yet. It’s going to be a long month I can tell…. At least at the end of this month, I’m going clubbin… heh… later all
I hate when people think that they know what’s going on and then go off and tell everyone a half truth. I mean why not go to the source? Ask the right questions and get an honest answer… Stupid people, hypocrites at that.
Tonight when well for the most part, Christmas program at church, how bad coudl it be? Got almost everything bought now too. 🙂 Overly-religious people bother me, I have nothign against religion and as a matter of fact I think that everyone should have a religion of some kind. But peoepl who just get up and jump aroudn and all that, too much, it’s all for show to me. I think there is a time and place to worship for everyone to yourself, soem people do it just to show off I think…
Looks like good ole Saddam was captured today… He looks like a dirty Sanata Claus in all the picutres though. I think this is a cool moment is history but I don’t think that this means that our troops are any safer over there or that they will eb home any sooner. My friend is still goin over there… it sucks.
I’ve got a ton of studying to do today… then church tonight with the family.
Well I just got back from playing golf…. I sucked but the new club rocked… I love it. At church today we learned about catholics and junk… yea it was something… I think the lady was a bit off in some of the stuff she said but she was mostly right and I think that a lot of people realized that most catholics are just a bit “off” in their thinking, but at the same time I felt like she was trying to just smear them and I don’t’ think that’s cool… But whatever , i’m going to work…. Later