Ok, some of my friends are probably going to burn me in effigy for this one but I must post what I feel. I HATE BANDS WITH FLYERS!!!
I should mention here that I was formerly in a now non-existent band called Melanogaster, and we had flyers and such. What you are about to read was written by Brad Gordimer and appeared on The Onion March 10th. It just exemplifies what any college student will hear every Thursday and Friday. “Are you coming to my show..”
Hey, man, what are you up to tonight? You should totally come to my show at The Shack. We’re on a triple bill with Meat Hammer and The Subpoenaed.
Here, take one of the flyers. Don’t worry, I’ve got plenty more. That’s us in the middle, Retarder. The name wasn’t my first choiceâ€”I wanted to be Swank Factoryâ€”but the other guys all fuckin’ loved it, so what are you going to do? We can always change it later, I suppose. At least until we start putting out albums.
So what are you doing tonight? You should totally come if you can. What’s that? You have to work until 9? No prob. The show’s supposed to start at 8, but it probably won’t get going until closer to 8:30, and we’re on second, so you’d probably miss the first few songs at the most.
Have you ever seen Retarder? We’ve only been around for six months, and this is our third club show, so there hasn’t been a lot of chances unless you still go to house parties. The Shack’s a shithole, but the sound is pretty good, and a Huber is only $2. Can’t really complain about that. You should totally come out. It’s gonna be great.
If you haven’t ever seen Meat Hammer, you should. They’re from Eau Claire, but they totally rock. Two of the guys used to be in Pin Prick. They have this awesome new singer, some guy named Dave who the drummer knew from art school, and they totally kick ass. They do that ’70s-rock thing really well.
I should probably give you directions to The Shack, because it’s kind of hard to find if you don’t know where it is. It’s hidden away behind that liquor store over on Odana Road that’s open late. If you give me your e-mail address, I can send you directions and put you on our mailing list so you know what shows are coming up and all that.
You saw my old band Bitchpile, right? Retarder sounds sort of like that, but with more of a grindcore feel. The essence is still the same, though: Jerry’s still our drummer, and the two of us are the ones who brought most of the personality to the ‘Pile. But the new band’s even better. We found this crazy kid Kyle who plays bass and sings like David Yow. He’s really brought the spark back to our playing. Our setlist is still maybe 40 percent Bitchpile stuff, because we haven’t been all that great about getting new tunes together. The ones we have written, though, are killer. Tonight, we’re introducing a new one I’m really psyched about called “Tire Blowout (Part 1).” It’s got this breakdown that took forever to get right. Yesterday was the first time we got through the whole song, and it sounded great.
Hey, do you still hang with Chris Blevin? I saw him the other day, and he’s going to be there tonight, probably. I think a couple other guys who used to be part of the scene might show up, too. Steve said he might show up if he could get his girlfriend to go. I know Doug and Eric Hysteric are coming. They were at the first two shows and were totally into it. Some other guys might show up, too. You should go. It’ll be like old times.
I gave you a flyer, right? Isn’t that a fucking cool picture? Jerry found it. I think it’s from some kind of Bollywood movie. Jerry’s totally into that stuff now. It’s kind of cool, because every once in a while you hear the Indian influence seep into our music. Thank God Jerry’s over his Dylan phase. The other day, me and Kyle made up a song called “Bob Dylan Is A Bone Smoker,” and Jerry got totally pissed.
Anyway, you should hold on to that flyer. The Subpoenaed are gonna be huge one day, so it’ll be a cool thing to have. Plus, you’ve got to admit that’s an awesome picture.
So, you gonna show up? I guarantee a good time. We’ve been working on this flash pot to go off during our cover of “Der Kommissar.” It’ll be awesome. We have a friend who was supposed o breathe fire, but he broke his leg trying to fix his bookcase, so he can’t go. It’ll still be great even without that, though.
Well, even if you can’t come, maybe you could call a few friends of yours, you know, like Andy or The Gooch. I bet they’d be into our stuff. I could even put you and a couple more people on the guest list if you’re strapped for cash. Just say you know Brad from Retarder.
All right. See you later tonight, maybe. I gotta put the rest of these flyers up and then go help load up the shit. Good running into you. Rock and roll!
How freaking close to real life is that? I just can’t stand those guys that just pass out flyers. Why not bring a CD that I can listen to and decide if I want to waste my $5 on your crappy band or not. My inbox is flooded with about 10 emails every weekend with the latest “news” on whatever band got my email address. People, I haven’t been to a show in over a year. I don’t like them. It’s a waste of my time and yours. When you make it big and play something besides a skate park or bar (i.e. a stadium) I will gladly come to see you… K I think that’s about it, but I’m pretty sure this was totally in coherent.
Disclaimer: This story was totally ripped off from www.theonion.com, if you represent this fine website please email the webmaster and it will be removed immediately. I have nothing for you to take really, I’m broke and I have a crappy computer. I will however post a link to your site in exchange for rights to publish some of your material on my site for free… Call me we’ll do lunch.