All Quotes

Each place has its own advantages - heaven for the climate, and hell for the society.
Mark Twain

An invasion of armies can be resisted, but not an idea whose time has come.

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
Matt Groening

A man who is good enough to shed his blood for his country is good enough to be given a square deal afterwards. More than that no man is entitled, and less than that no man shall have.
Theodore Roosevelt

This country will not be a permanently good place for any of us to live in unless we make it a reasonably good place for all of us to live in.
Theodore Roosevelt

Is America a weakling, to shrink from the work of the great world powers? No! The young giant of the West stands on a continent and clasps the crest of an ocean in either hand. Our nation, glorious in youth and strength, looks into the future with eager eyes and rejoices as a strong man to run a race.
Theodore Roosevelt

All of us learn to write in the second grade. Most of us go on to greater things.
Bob Knight

I love songs about horses, railroads, land, judgment day, family, hard times, whiskey, courtship, marriage, adultery, separation, murder, war, prison, rambling, damnation, home, salvation, death, pride, humor, piety, rebellion, patriotism, larceny, determination, tragedy, rowdiness, heart-break, and love. And Mother. And God.
Johnny Cash

Be practical as well as generous in your ideals. Keep your eyes on the stars, but remember to keep your feet on the ground.
Theodore Roosevelt

In the life of this nation, we have often been reminded that nature is an awesome force, and that all life is fragile. We are the heirs of men and women who lived through those first terrible winters at Jamestown and Plymouth, who rebuilt Chicago after a great fire, and San Francisco after a great earthquake, who reclaimed the prairie from the dust bowl of the 1930s. Every time, the people of this land have come back from fire, flood and storm to build anew and to build better than what we had before. Americans have never left our destiny to the whims of nature and we will not start now.
George W Bush

We've come to a decision - we're very sorry but you're going to have to die, there's no other option.
Ozzy Osbourne to Sharon

No nation ever had an army large enough to guarantee it against attack in time of peace or insure it victory in time of war.
Calvin Coolidge

Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe to assure the survival and the success of liberty.
John F Kennedy - Inaugural Address 1961

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.
Theodore Roosevelt

If you want to make beautiful music, you must play the black and the white notes together.
Richard M Nixon

The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. Every class is unfit to govern.
Lord Acton

If you ever drop your keys in a river of molten lava, man, let 'em go.
Jack Handy

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?' You can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.
Jack Handy

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Jack Handy

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, 'Probably because of something you did.
Jack Handy

Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at the word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words: 'mank' and 'ind.' What do these word mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.
Jack Handy

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to a circus and a clown killed my dad.
Jack Handy

I hope some animal never bores a hold in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea, but it's just eggs hatching.
Jack Handy

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
Jack Handy

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
Jack Handy

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!
Jack Handy

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers
Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943

Recycling is cool, and you cannot recycle pickles. It just smells nasty.

With these hands I give you my heart and I crown it with my love.

Dance your cares away. . .
Worries for another day. . .
Down in Fraggle Rock

Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts.
Albert Einstein

If you don't actually pursue your dreams instead of just dreaming them, you'll end up working at Walmart. In the pet food aisle. At night. On weekends.
Steve Hofstetter

Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.
Clark W Griswold

Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one-- I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is!! Hallelujah!! Holy shit!! Where's the Tylenol?!
Clark W Griswold

Throwing a spiral is one of the purest joys a man can experience
Esquire Rule No. 746

Alcohol is like love. The first kiss is magic, the second is intimate, the third is routine. After that you take the girl's clothes off.
Raymond Chadler

Why are we so proud? We are proud, first of all, because from the beginning of this Nation, a man can walk upright, no matter who he is, or who she is. He can walk upright and meet his friend -- or his enemy, and he does not fear that because that enemy may in a position of great power that he can be suddenly thrown in jail to rot there without charges and with no with no recourse to justice. We have the habeas corpus act, and we respect it.
Dwight D. Eisenhower - November 23, 1953

They that would give up essential liberty to obtain some little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
Benjamin Franklin

If you can make one heap of all your winnings and risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss, and lose, and start again at your beginnings, and never breathe a word about your loss, yours is the earth is everything that is in it, and, which is more, you'll be a man, my son.
Rudyard Kipling

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.
Scott Adams

It's practically impossible to look at a penguin and feel angry.
Joe Moore

You can never step in the same river twice.

Dad, I don't like running. The sound of my thighs scraping together hurts my ears.
Chris Griffin

Duty, honor, country: Those three hallowed words reverently dictate what you ought to be, what you can be, what you will be. They are your rallying point to build courage when courage seems to fail, to regain faith when there seems to be little cause for faith, to create hope when hope becomes forlorn.
Douglas MacArthur

This day is called the feast of Crispian:
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when the day is named,
And rouse him at the name of Crispian.
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say "To-morrow is Saint Crispian":
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars.
And say "These wounds I had on Crispin's day."
Old men forget: yet all shall be forgot,
But he'll remember with advantages
What feats he did that day: then shall our names,
Familiar in his mouth as household words
Harry the king, Bedford and Exeter,
Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester,
Be in their flowing cups freshly remember'd.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remember'd;
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition:
And gentlemen in England now a-bed
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.
Shakespear: Henry V (IV, iii)

It is confidently expected that the period is at hand, when man, through ignorance, shall not much longer inflict unnecessary misery on man; because the mass of mankind will become enlightened, and will clearly discern that by so acting they will inevitably create misery to themselves.
Robert Owen

The true artist helps the world by revealing mystic truths.
Bruce Nauman

If it doesn't help, abandon it. If it doesn't amuze you, instruct you, edify you, if it doesn't make your life better, it's not worth spending time on or remembering. DO SOMETHING ELSE
Harold Gotoff, UC Professor of Classics

We have a strategic plan. It's called doing things.
Herb Kelleher, founder of Southwest Airlines

Remember, remember, the fifth of November, gunpowder treason and plot. I know of no reason why the gunpowder treason should ever be forgot.

Vi Veri Veniversum Vivus Vici.
By the power of truth, I, while living, have conquered the universe.